Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom

Friends, you've really been depriving yourself if you haven't been reading the London Review of Books classifieds all these years. Self-deprecation, irony, and desperation have never been so attractive; indeed, if these ads are any indication, my long-held but hitherto secret hunch has proven true and I may, therefore, now reveal it to you: everyone in England is so inherently hilarious that I would marry them all, sight unseen. The LRB personals are online here; unfortunately, the site hasn't been updated in a while. Not sure what the status of the print version is.

In the meantime, the editor of the LRB classifieds has put together a bookish collection of some of the best ads posted over the years, called "They Call Me Naughty Lola": Personal Ads from the London Review of Books. Unless you hate hilarity, wit, and good grammar, you'll love this book. I recommend reading it out loud with someone you like (or who, at least, has a good reading voice); this is what hubby and I did, up until the last section anyway, when things had to be accelerated so the book could be returned to the library on time.

Some samples to whet your appetite (and to alleviate your shock over my post title):
Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad. (!!!! Okay, maybe the shock just increased. Heh.)

I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.

It takes a real man to wear a dress. It take a revolutionary to wear those shoes with that blusher.

I am not afraid to say what I feel. At this moment in time I feel anger, giddiness, and the urge to dress like a bear and forage for berries at motorway hedgerows. Man, 38.
And my favourite:
Allele, anatta, arrear, arrere, bedded, bettee, breere, caccap, ceesse, cobbob, cocoon, deesse, dolool, doodad, effere, emmele, emmene, ennean, essede, feyffe, gaggee, giggit, googol, gregge, hammam, hummum, hubbub, jettee, kokoon, lessee, lesses, mammal, mammee, mossoo, mutuum, nerrer, ossous, pazazz, pepper, perree, pippin, powwow, reeder, reefer, reeffe, refeff, retree, seasse, secess, seesen, sensse, sessle, settee, sissoo, tattee, tattoo, tedded, teerer, teeter, teethe, terrer, testee, tethee, tetter, tittee, treete, unnung, veerer, weeded, zaara. Six-letter words with one occurrence of one letter, two occurrences of another letter and three occurrences of another letter. By Christ, I need a woman. I'm 41, but if you've got a pulse, cable TV and a smoothie-maker you'll do.
Ah, love.

I clearly have nothing to say about this book except "Yay!" so let this post be both a directive as well as a lesson to you: Eating well can be much kinkier than you think. Also, the Brits are probably not as sexually repressed as you are; unless you're a Brit, in which case, have I just created a Mobius strip of dubious hilarity? And finally, because I can't count, and for no good reason except that spring really seems to have arrived, a little Chaucer (Parliament of Fowls) for you:
Now welcome, somer, with thy sonne softe,
That hast this wintres wedres overshake,
And driven away the longe nyghtes blake!

7 comments:

K said...

The 41-year old chap in search of a smoothie-maker had me at dolool — and I'm a dude w/ a wife! He's got serious skills... K

heidenkind said...

I would totally go out with the 41yo. I might consider taking the sensitive female, 34, shopping.

One thing I would definitely not characterize Brits as is sexually repressed, that's for sure.

Tony said...

Yes, we are all very funny :)

But sadly poor at ice hockey :(

verbivore said...

Wow - this just made my morning. I haven't laughed so hard at a blog post in a long time. Hilarious!

Colleen said...

K: Yes, yes he does. One can only hope he's as awkward and hilarious in real life as he appears to be in this add.

heidenkind: Hmm. Maybe the idea of the British as sexually repressed is a Canadian one. Because Canadians are sexually repressed and want to feel less so.

Tony: I think hilarity is much more important than ice hockey. When we're all 80, we'll be much happier for having hilarious partners rather than ones who knew how to throw knuckle sammiches back in their youth.

verbivore: Awesome! Glad to have positively influenced your day.

nicole said...

I bought this book as a silly present for a friend a few years ago and we spent a super-fun afternoon reading these aloud to each other. I've been thinking about getting the followup that just came out, Sexually, I'm More of a Switzerland. But I have their Twitter feed to enjoy in the meantime.

Biblibio said...

Is it wrong that reading this hilarious post made me want a berry smoothie? (and to read this book?)